When I got married nine years ago, I had every intention to combine my life and the life of my husband completely, as any independent woman can and should. Of course, we could preserve our own hobbies and interests, but I wanted our marriage to last forever, and for me this meant the absence of secrets, full disclosure and complete trust.
I witnessed the 60-year marriage of my grandparents and the 35-year marriage of my parents, and I knew that I wanted a partnership as strong as their relationship, and creating this would take a lot of work.
Step one: the destruction of the "walls"
Step One: The destruction of the "walls" that I built during my three decades of life. I will have to devote my husband to every part of my life, with one exception: my bank account.
I know this will sound like a double standard - because you better bet that I made sure my husband gave me access to his bank account within a few weeks after our wedding.
This became our shared account, and I transferred most of my money to it and made sure that my salaries were directly deposited there. But, on the advice of my mom, a megafeminist and grandmother, I did not close my separate account.
A woman needs her own money
“A woman needs her own money,” they told me, and although the concept is a bit outdated, it sounded believable, especially considering that my husband and I had already discussed that I wouldn’t work as much as before there were children.
After my daughter was born in my family, I switched to part-time work. Then, three years later, her brother was born, and I became a freelancer. Obviously, my salary has fallen sharply.
In just a few years, I went from an exciting, growing career (which included many pretty outfits and many high heels) to most days in yoga pants and nursing shirts. I relied on my husband’s income. It was like moving to another country without a return ticket, and my small bank account became a lifeline for my former self, a man who loved fashionable skin care products and new shoes every season and did not want her husband to doubt in every purchase of Sephora or Nordstrom, if necessary or not.
Of course, they were not necessary, but, on the other hand, perhaps it was so. Call me a materialist, but if I continue to surround myself with these objects, it will help me maintain a sense of self in a life dominated by diaper changes, lack of sleep and a body that I no longer recognize.
I got time again
My children got older and I eventually had time to work and earn more. My husband began to wonder whether my “small” account, which, as I disclosed, has grown since I started depositing my freelancer checks (at first insignificant, and then not so much), is harmful to our relationship? He could not argue with me about my answer.
“Besides the fact that we are arguing about the existence of my separate account, when was the last time we argued about money?” I asked him. Answer: almost never. Our finances were in good condition. We had a lot of money on our retirement account, and we deliberately bought an affordable house instead of shaking our budget.
We will not quarrel over money
I continued my argument: Does he really think that we will quarrel over money if he sees the price of each pair of jeans or products bought from our shared credit card? Or it would be betterif these items came out of my own account, who could also finance occasional family expenses, such as flights or home improvements? For our relationship, the answers were definitely yes.